Peaceful Parenting

Have you ever wondered why young kids just ignore your interdictions? Or why they do exactly the opposite of what you ask them to? 

Maybe they are testing limits. Because they do this sometimes. But it can also have to do with the phrases and words you use.

Since all 3 of my kids became toddlers while my family has been living in the city, the time came when walking with them on the street and living so close to neighbors became a challenge. There was running, climbing on all the stairs, jumping from the top of them. Every walk and day spent at home was full of adrenaline for me! And also full of phrases like:

Don’t run! Stop running!
Stay on the sidewalk.
Please stay together. Wait for me!
Sometimes this continued at home with:
Don’t climb on my furniture!
Please be quieter, we have neighbors next door!
Don’t jump from the sofa!
Stop running through the house!
Don’t throw your toys like that!

I was realizing that I was becoming a nagging and always demanding mom that never wanted to become. And I was hating it!
On top of this, my kids were ignoring my requests and demands. Nothing seemed to stop them from doing exactly what they wanted!

Until one day when I came to the realization of the impact of negative language on children. I remembered how my dad use to talk to me when I was younger and how it made me feel and percieve the information he was relaying to me. And it was so eye-opening! It has been studied and seems that young kids’ brains process these phrases different than we would expect.

They don’t think of better alternatives (like walking instead of running). They just ignore the request or (even worse) they focus exactly on the behavior that we are trying to stop.

The explanation is simple. Young children’s brains use imagery much more than adults’ brains. When we say “Don’t run” the image that is created in the child’s brain is running. The fact that we add a “don’t” or a “stop” to the phrase doesn’t help too much. So the child ends up doing exactly what we want to prevent them from doing.

It’s not something that kids do on purpose. It’s more a natural consequence of the way their brains are structured.

Interesting, isn’t it?

Luckily there is an easy fix: replacing negative language with positive phrases.
Instead of telling the child what they shouldn’t do, you let them know what you would like them to do or remind them of the house rules (which are set to create expectations, boundaries, and order). Negative language tells the child what they shouldn’t do. It doesn’t give any suggestions of positive actions that the child could take. Positive language tells the child what they could do. It suggests an alternative to the behavior that you want to stop. And it sounds sound much more helpful and easy to follow. It may seem just a little twist, but it works and is always better than the other culturally accepted alternatives like punishment or even a "whipping" for unsatisfactory behavior! When I tried this with my toddler, things changed for good. They started paying more attention to what I was asking. And they listened to me a lot more often! It was so great to stop repeating the same requests over and over again and empty threats to pop them.

And another good thing happened. I started to say “stop” and “don’t” a lot less often. I felt more at peace and self controlled. I know these words became more powerful when I needed to use them, usually for safety reasons. If you face the same struggle with your kids, give it a try! You might be amazed by the impact that positive language can have on your relationship with your children! 

• Don’t run ⇒ Please walk
• Don’t jump ⇒ Please go down slowly
• Don’t yell ⇒ Please use a quiet voice
• Don’t hit ⇒ Please be gentle
• Don’t ride your bike so fast ⇒ Please slow down
• Don’t throw the toys ⇒ Please put them gently on the ground
• Don’t talk to me like that ⇒ Please use kind words
• Don’t grab the toy out of another kid’s hands ⇒ Please use your words and ask for the toy
• Don’t play with the ball in the house ⇒ Please only use the ball outside
• Don’t slam the door ⇒ Please close it gently / without making a noise
• Stop that loud tantrum ⇒ I’m here for you, tell me what happened
• Don’t interrupt me ⇒ Please wait until I finish talking

Parent peacefully and speak always out of love. Treat them like you want to be treated and respect them like you want them to respect you! Brighten their inner light so they can help you keep yours lit!